My older sister, who lives in Scotland, asked my husband to buy me a bouquet of flowers for my birthday on her behalf and then only sent him £15 for it.
Not only did she delegate, but what was the money for anyway? A single tulip? Because with £15 you can’t even get a budget bloom bouquet at Asda. Or was she expecting him to put in the rest?
I am furious, but when I told my best friend, she said I am being unreasonable and that it’s the thought that counts. Amy, Cheshire
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: Disappointing presents can leave us feeling hurt, underappreciated and at times angry too. When a gift leaves us thinking ‘they might as well had gotten me nothing’ it’s hard not to experience it as a personal slight. It almost feels disappointing by design.
And when your sister involved your husband (rather than, say, sending flowers directly), it likely added a layer of emotional distance that made the whole thing feel even more impersonal.
Then there’s the money. £15 might be ‘better than nothing,’ but it can feel worse than nothing if it leaves you questioning whether she values you enough. Especially if it puts your husband in the awkward position of either topping it up or handing you a disappointing gift that wasn’t really from him or from her.
That lack of clarity creates confusion — and resentment.
The happy feeling from getting some flowers swiftly wilted when our reader realised her sister who sent them didn’t pay the bill
Why, then, might your sister have made so little effort for your birthday? Sometimes the answer can be quite complex and it’s important to consider both the surface-level explanations and the deeper, perhaps unconscious reasons that could be playing out – especially if this kind of thing has happened before.
On the surface, ask yourself: is your sister someone who tends to be a bit absent-minded, disorganised, or chaotic?
Could she have simply forgotten your birthday and scrambled to make amends by leaning on your husband?
If that’s her usual way of coping, then perhaps the issue was not malice but panic — and the £15, while underwhelming, may have been the result of a quick fix rather than a thoughtful gesture.
If so, and this is her being her usual self then maybe it needn’t be interpreted as a personal attack but understood as something she struggles with in general – and maybe a bit of feedback about how this makes the recipient feel could be helpful to her.
I am not saying she will like what she hears, but perhaps give her a gentle: ‘Come on sister, you could have been a bit more organised with my birthday present… I know you didn’t mean anything by it, but it left me feeling a bit overlooked, and I’d have really appreciated something just from you.’
Is there something underlying this that reflects your sibling financial relationship, asks Vicky Reynal
But in my experience when these ‘slip-ups’ form a pattern, they’re rarely just about forgetfulness. They often point to deeper emotional tensions.
You told me in your email that gifts from her in the past arrived months later, not at all, or were even a repeat of a gift she gotten you before.
So why is it that when it comes to you, generosity is difficult for her? That kind of repetition can carry a message, even if it’s unspoken.
Could it be that your sister finds it difficult to be generous toward you in particular? You might love each other deeply but still have unresolved tensions between you.
Feelings like envy — if she believes you have more, whether that’s financial security, a family, or emotional support — can complicate how easy it feels to give.
Or perhaps jealousy plays a role: if, growing up, she felt you received more love or attention from your parents, that perception may still colour your dynamic today, especially if you’re the younger sibling and it’s your birthday being celebrated.
Sometimes, the discomfort around giving to a sibling — particularly one who seems ‘to have it all’ — is rooted in very old wounds. Considering she’s your older sister, it’s not outlandish to wonder whether your birthday brings up unconscious reminders of her having to share, or even lose, parental attention when you were born.
Siblings often find themselves in financial tangles because the emotional terrain underneath is messy – full of history, old wounds, unresolved conflict and habit.
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And speaking of habit, you mentioned your father was unreliable with gifts too. It’s very common that we absorb the relational patterns of our family — not only the good ones.
Your sister may not be deliberately echoing your father’s behaviour, but she might be unconsciously repeating a familiar script.
I don’t believe your sister set out to disappoint you. But the result — and your reaction — are still real and still matter.
You have the right to name what hurts you, and to be honest about your disappointment.
Perhaps you could say something like: ‘I appreciated the thought — but it would have meant more if the gift had come directly from you. I want to feel you in the gesture, not just the logistics.’
Ultimately this isn’t about £15 or flowers – it’s about feeling loved, remembered and cared about by the people that matter to us. That’s not too much to ask.
Having said that – think about how you set your expectations next year. If this has been a life-long pattern, by expecting anything better you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk